The resident began his examination of an elderly man by asking him what brought him to the hospital. The man replied, "An ambulance."

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!" "Oh! How nice it would be," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."

One day a man walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse that he wants to see the eye/ear doctor. "There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?" No, I need to see an eye/ear doctor he says. "But there is no such doctor", she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye/ear doctor." No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye/ear doctor." They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye/ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see one?" "Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."

Mr. Brown: I keep seeing spots before my eyes. Mr. Green: Have you ever seen a doctor? Mr. Brown: No, only spots.

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," he replied.

She answered, "Well today I didn't do it!"

Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?

Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.

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